Go to the light, or back to the dark

I have a friend visiting me, and he’s dropped numerous hints about wanting to move in with me. He’s a nice guy and all, but there’s a problem. He reminds me of a man I used to know. That man broke my heart, pushed my boundaries to places that I didn’t even know could exist. He’s the one who made me to choose to go towards the light. Seek truth, warmth, and silence and peace. But this friend visiting me, it’s like an invitation to go dark, go back to that place where I feel so alive, but not as heavenly.

My social life is slowly coming back to life and I’ve begun meeting several new people, one of whom, his smile and laughter gives me so much life. I like being around him, just because his energy is so pure, I can feel cleansed and ready to be happy while around him.He too in many ways, makes me feel alive.

Now my dilemma, go back towards the light and seek truth and enlightenment, or go to the dark towards selfish lies and momentary satisfaction disguising itself as happiness?

untitled (i’m good)

why is it so hard for people to express how they really feel? am I just involving myself with the wrong people?

I think I have forgotten how to communicate with people beyond the usual pleasantries. when talk to people, i find myself just responding with “i’m good.” I no longer feel like saying how I really feel and opening myself up to vulnerability when nobody will do the same for me.

Finding joy in being “alone”

And by “alone” I mean single with absolutely no current romantic interests in any person. I found a need to “reset” my emotions, I’ve spent so much of myself on others.

It’s not a forever thing, but I’ve found joy in being alone. Watching my favorite movies, eating my favorite foods, and finding new music. In order to truly get to know another person, I need to get to know myself. Lately people have asked me what my hobbies or interests are, and I’m not even sure anymore.

Take some time for self-love and self-care, and never place all your eggs into once basket.

Part of Me..

.. we all have other parts of our personality, the part of us that is strong, the part of us that is weak, the part of us that is sexual.

I had one significant part of my personality, my alter ego, his named was Estevan. Nobody would ever call me Estevan, it was just a name I had for the sexual, perverse, outgoing part of myself. Whenever I would feel sexual or outgoing, I would let Estevan take over. I would become the confident version of myself. In fact, I would become him so much that I forgot who I truly was.

Estevan, however, lost his confidence, and became the part of me that represented where I was scared and vulnerable. It became the depressed part of me, and I had to take a step back and allow myself to get to know myself once again.

I’m still getting to know myself, but I’ve decided Estevan has to go. I am going to ceremoniously “kill off” my alter ego. Not sure how, I think it’s just more symbolic. This weekend when i go to Mexico, I will bid adieu to him. He served his purpose, but now it’s time to be truly myself.

We all deserve…

We all deserve to be happy. If you ever are finding yourself in a situation where your personal happiness is dictated 100% by ensuring another person is happy, it’s time to rethink your life situation.

For so long I’ve deprived myself of joy. I choose to be happy. In order to be in love, I need to feel the love, for myself.

Fingers crossed that my adventures I have planned over the next few months will restore some joy into my life.